My Life has changed..

I thought 5 months ago that I was embarking on something amazing, I hadn’t had a serious relationship with anyone in quite a while which amounted to a year or so. I had been meeting people and it never really amounted to much but casual which I never liked and wasn’t doing well at. But I chose to meet people because I was looking for something, I had my ideas in place of what I wanted.  But through searching things evolved, I had learned a great many new skills and I had played with friends. I was having fun but that void was still there, the need to serve and be with that special person just left me restless and longing.

I enjoyed the social aspect of being out there and among the friends I enjoyed being with in various ways and places. I had been chatting on-line when someone walked in like a breathe of fresh air to talk and say hello. At that moment I only spoke a few words and then He was gone for the night, it was enough to intrigue me and find out more and indeed I did. What happened next was sort of blur but in retrospect we chatted for a few months on and off. Thought we had gotten to know each other well enough to have that all important first meeting.

But just before that we had a long night of chat, blood definitely boiled to the breaking point as we talked for a mere 7 hours, yes it was exciting and amazing and I hadn’t talked like that with anyone who intrigued me that much. A person who could stir my soul and figure me out in the hours that we spent longing to see each other, wanting to that very night but opting for patience until the following day.

After work he came by, I had no clue what would transpire but we seem to hit it off. I know we went to dinner, can’t recall what we talked about but that night was an amazing one. I won’t soon forget it..After all the excitement though we started seeing each other a lot. He was actually going through medical stuff and I decided that I’d spend time with Him. That was hard, it made me think about my mother, why? We’ll when I was in my early twenties she got diagnosed with colon cancer, at that time I was away in New Hampshire and then came back to California to live, find a job and go back to school.

I never went with my mom to treatments, the chemo, the radiation all took their toll on her. Cancer spread for some reason straight to her brain, didn’t take long and I can’t imagine why they never caught  this when she had been going to the doctor before. She eventually had 5 tumors and then one day after I had left for work, I called trying to get a hold of her but couldn’t. Came home late after work like I always did and found her and she was gone, nothing I could do but call 911. I went ape shit if you could imagine and the rest is history after that.

In any case it wasn’t fun being there seeing someone who I cared about and had just started seeing in that condition but I tried to be supportive and do the things which I thought He needed. But it wasn’t what He needed, right from the start it was a bit too hard. Not an easy transition to be with someone who had a serious medical condition and in a new relationship. I tried to be the person He wanted and needed, I always try to be what they want and in the end it never plays out the way I had envisioned.

We loved each other a lot but stress, money, health and many other things just took a toll. I don’t ever think it really got a chance, sort of doomed to fail situation. Two people in love, not really knowing each other well, finally find out what the other person is really like. Maybe it’s not exactly what they envisioned but they try to make it work and in the end it doesn’t. Seems like the story of my life, many things planned but nothing achieved and time is wasted.

Now I have nothing to show for all that time and effort but some good memories and maybe leaving the bad one’s behind and starting fresh. I have no idea in which direction I should go but forward. That’s all I know how to do, I’m still alive and I have to try to live my life the best I can and I know how to.

I just hope this thing I have been feeling will eventually go away, the hurt is still there and so is the emptiness that I think will be there for a while. Nothing I can do about those until one day they vanish. I can only be who I am and hope that someone one day will recognize how I can make their life better by being in it.

My life..

We’ll after a great play session this past weekend I should be fairly happy with the way things have been going for me since I’ve been in the public scene. I’ve been pretty satisfied with this small part of my life and wanting to make it an even bigger part of my life has been a major challenge.

But now I’ve come to this point where I think I want to back off a bit and maybe take care of personal stuff and get back to the things I loved before entering the lifestyle. I mean I can only go to so many parties and meet so many people and then find that it’s just not enough. I crave something deeper with someone who I can connect with on all different levels and what I have experienced so far only leaves me craving that more and more.

Don’t get me wrong I love the friends that I have made but I think that my life is in a bit of a chaotic state which is leaving me craving some type of emotional connection and not just the physical or pain driven by the selective people i have been playing with lately. So i have decided to make a short departure from the public scene until I can get myself together and get my life the way I want it so that eventually I can meet someone who will fulfill my needs and compliment me and the life that I want and desire.

I’ll probably try to blog here about what is happening with me in the meantime, I’ll be in touch with my lifestyle friends but this seems like something I need to do to keep my sanity at the moment. When i figure things out I’ll probably return hopefully with a new sense of self and a positive outlook on my life and the future. I’ll always love kink and I’ll probably miss all the parties and stuff..but it will always be there.

I’m in search of a higher purpose for my life, trying to figure out my plans, goals and the bigger scheme of things. My life is never been a perfect one and with my impending birthday upon me this month, I just figured it was a good time to re-evaluate and do things I needed to do for me.

My experience

Last night was the beginning of something for me, i think a transformation to the next phase of my experience within the lifestyle which is with rope. I’m starting to love the feel and touch of it, the way it feels against my bare skin. I love surrendering myself to the person I’m with and to the ropes that confine and surround me.

I had a great scene with a Dom friend of mine last night and it involved hog tie which I had never experienced before. It was interesting the various ways he warmed my body up. I loved the way he massaged with oil in to my skin and some of the ways he tormented me using a rubber paddle, clothes pins and rubber bands, yes rubber bands are evil devices.

All in all I had a lovely experience with him, oh and though I hated tickling but it goes to show even I could learn to enjoy it. I can learn to be more controlled in my actions especially when told to do so. I love being taken over, giving parts of myself up to a person for those little moments of joy that you never want to end. I could have been tied like that forever and I think I found a new passion.

Although my first love will always be the flogger, i think that incorporating both rope and impact play will be a nice combination. I wish I could always have experiences like that, one’s that leave me calm, grounded, in this high as a kite type of mode in which I love.

I’m hoping to be able to find someone who wants to experience the level of intimacy that this type of play brings. I want to take it to a place where my limits happen to be and then push myself further. Go beyond my limits to a place unseen. Being used in every way imaginable would be the ultimate fantasy for me..

I can’t wait to be open for more, learn, grow and share with the one’s I love.

Tonight

So here I am tonight, I’ve never been one to write my thoughts down on paper much but it seems another creative way for me to get my point across to those who may or may not know me. Looking at my life the last few months has been such a roller coaster for me, I’ve been dating and putting myself out there only to get trampled on by people who obviously didn’t like me as much as they say they did. I’ve been meeting oh so many new people and experiencing my new found freedom one tiny step at a time.

I’ve opened up to people even though I do seem quite shy when you first encounter me. I’m loving the vibes of the people I’m meeting, they are just like me in so many ways, we have things in common and we have a lot of fun. It is so intoxicating to think about only a few months back when I had very few friends at all. I feel so lucky to have found people who like me and want to get to know me.

I also going back to my whole dating exploration have met mostly people who were not right for me at all except for maybe one or two, one of which i am seeing now. I’m not sure if it will develop in to anything, were still getting to know each other but i think hopefully in time it might be something at least meaningful..but who really knows.

I dated someone on and off who actually introduced me to a few things and i always thought we would turn out to be more, i hoped that he would eventually see that we were meant to be together and that we could have a great relationship. But that just didn’t pan out for me, he just never wanted to take it to the next level, it frustrated me to no end and then when he told me that he just couldn’t deal with me, i was completely done and through.

I wish he could have known the deep feelings he had stirred up within me but whatever that could have been between us is pretty much in the past and will just stay there. I’m hoping that sometime in the not too distant future I will meet someone who will complete me in ways i never knew existed. I’m not really talking about fantasy, I’m not interested in getting married or even having kids..I’m a rebel and i like it that way. I want to try to live life on my own terms and not worry about how everyone is living there’s.

I know what i want and i know eventually i might just get it but it’s going to take a lot of time..I’ve waited this long i guess a few more years if that is what it takes won’t destroy me or anything. I want to breathe life, experience it, enjoy it, live it with all the passion and intensity that i can because i know how short it is. I’m a realist and i always will be…but I’m a creative, open, joyful muse and hopefully people see that and know it when they look deep enough.