To the bitter end

It ended as quickly as it started, I was on this high for the first few months of the relationship. It was new, it was exciting and I had my head in the clouds. A girl like me with lots of failed relationships under her belt,  deep down I wanted something beautiful to happen. Wanted something to work so well it complimented my life, complimented the other person and ultimately what I really wanted was to be happy.

After having one of the worst weekends I’ve ever had I tried to think about all that had happened to us and how we use to be,  where we both went wrong. I couldn’t pin point blame but I knew I had failed, I felt lost and It felt like it was all about to come crashing down around me. That Tuesday after our debrief it did, I didn’t protest because I knew nothing would change his mind, nothing would change his feelings about me. And probably not in the future as with most people once and idea of you is stuck, seems like it’s stuck for good. I felt like my heart broke when he told me he didn’t want to see me, he needed a break.

I felt like I had to suffer in silence, I couldn’t tell my story, couldn’t explain the hurt I felt and how I felt he failed me. If I failed him in more than one way, it’s because we didn’t communicate in the ways I needed or the ways he needed. I wasn’t going to be enough and I knew it from the beginning, sometimes you just know but forge on anyway. I wanted to be needed, loved and desired. All those things mattered to me, I felt a need to serve and I thought I found my place, by his side, with him. But it was short-lived, we wanted different things for sure, he probably even wanted things I didn’t even know about. That’s where it probably wasn’t good for me to invest in it. You invest in people who would put your needs before their own. I’ve put others before myself a lot, you get older and time goes on and you tell yourself why do you do that?

Loving yourself is the only real way you can be able to love others. Maybe I didn’t love myself enough to want better. I think I fell hard for him, it was deep, I felt I needed him but he didn’t need me. I think that is where I thought things would be the same but they were different. Not understanding me or wanting to understand me. Placing the blame on me, the coolness of his feelings, the instant changes in our relationship and the shift that was felt but never really talked about and he ended it. I might have felt lost and I might have felt a bit used and I might have wished he was different but you can’t wish things like this were just different, they are what they are.

I don’t blame him for letting me go, if you don’t believe someone is right for you then you should let them go. I am glad he let me go, it was the best thing for me. I don’t want to be changed by someone, I want them to see me and how I really am and accept me with open arms. I think the less acceptance I feel, the less feelings I have for the person until there is none at all. I’ve gotten past most things but it has made an significant impact on my life I won’t soon forget it. I wish him well wherever he is. I forgive him and I hope he forgives me. I’m letting it go.

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