Forgiveness and moving on

About 6 months ago I started a relationship after not having one for a very long time. I thought it was going to be mostly fun, I thought it would allow me to play again and I thought, well I was open to anything. So I forged ahead not knowing where things would go. Four months down the line I started to notice things, started to have issues. Actually I went through a very high learning curve, learning what sharing one person was all about, what being poly was all about and being with someone with more partners than anyone I knew was all about. It was obvious we were different, those really didn’t get noticed in the first few months we knew each other. But then things started to change and we never talked about those changes. In a relationship I expect someone to communicate with me about everything, if it affects me I should know about it.

I think that I felt like things were ending, I wasn’t being accepted for my differences, communication was breaking down and so was the connection between us. I felt lost and it was like it didn’t matter. I wanted to be loved by this person and I tried to be what they wanted. But I think that was exactly what I shouldn’t have had to do, trying to be something I’m not has never worked for me. Trying to fit inside someone else’s box has never worked for me. Trying to love someone who really doesn’t love me the way I love them has never worked for me. There were a lot of other factors involved. I think the main thing was we had different plans, wanting things completely different and a lot of things just not aligning.

It ended much differently then I thought though, a phone call and no face to face until maybe a week or two later and we never talked about how we broke up. We never talked about how we both felt, what things we felt were unresolved. I felt alone and abandoned literally because of someone else. I’ve never had a relationship end the way it did. I wasn’t ready for it to end but they were and I was left picking up the pieces, picking up the pieces of my broken. Because it was crushed and he knew it but didn’t care that it was.

At a point I had to get angry, I had to be mad because I let myself just get lost with someone who I knew eventually would hurt me. I feel like it was unfair. But most things in life are unfair and I could have let this desolate my entire soul. The soul and the heart I put in their hands to keep safe and protect. But I decided instead to forgive. Forgiveness was hard because you want to turn the hurt you feel in to sadness, in to hate or loathing or something else. You go through all these different stages and luckily I didn’t have to endure this for years. I think I would have ended up more of a mess. But even though I was lost, even though I felt abandoned I decided to forgive.

The forgiveness was a selfish act, people talk about being selfless, but you have to love yourself in order to love someone else. You have to want to protect yourself from all those people who would rip your soul in two if they could get the chance. I decided to forgive because it’s what I needed to do for myself. I forgave the acts that were thoughtless but it doesn’t mean I will forget them. It made enough of an impression on me that I would never want to repeat what happened to me again. I also don’t wish it on anyone else either. I think that had I come to my senses sooner I could have changed events and ended things on my own terms.

We even had a conversation about the fact that we had both come close to ending it, I thought we had resolved that. But as I went down the inevitable rabbit hole, got deeper, felt more attached to them it was harder. It was easier for them to just say sorry I don’t want to get in to a heavy relationship with you. But then ironically choose someone else to actually take the place of what I couldn’t provide them or what I could never be to them. I think about everything I could have or should have done but then I realize none of it would have mattered because the other person didn’t see me.

They didn’t see the real me, didn’t accept everything there was about me. I would never want to not be  accepted by the person I love. I think feeling like I somehow failed was the hardest part. You place the blame on yourself, you think you just weren’t good enough. But really we weren’t right for each other, no matter how much I love someone, them not accepting me is never going to further the relationship.

We both were at fault in some way, we both had our own issues. I chose to face them and accept my limitations and I had limitations and I also accepted my imperfections. I realize I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I forgive those who have hurt me because it shows compassion and it helps me to understand why it just didn’t work and helps me to move forward and on.

Those words were harder to say, staying in the mess that was left would have been easier. Letting it bury me would probably have been easier still. But I’m a survivor of most things, I’ve been hurt more times than not so this is nothing new to me. I still get right back up and fight to continue a path or change my course to fit my needs. I can only rely on myself, no one else can live my life for me. I have strength that I know I never had before because of the things I learned from this.

I also learned what doesn’t work and what I will not tolerate. I want to live life on my own terms and I won’t let anything stand in the way of where I need to be. Not anymore so I’ve learned to forgive, my heart will mend but I won’t forget.

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