To the bitter end

It ended as quickly as it started, I was on this high for the first few months of the relationship. It was new, it was exciting and I had my head in the clouds. A girl like me with lots of failed relationships under her belt,  deep down I wanted something beautiful to happen. Wanted something to work so well it complimented my life, complimented the other person and ultimately what I really wanted was to be happy.

After having one of the worst weekends I’ve ever had I tried to think about all that had happened to us and how we use to be,  where we both went wrong. I couldn’t pin point blame but I knew I had failed, I felt lost and It felt like it was all about to come crashing down around me. That Tuesday after our debrief it did, I didn’t protest because I knew nothing would change his mind, nothing would change his feelings about me. And probably not in the future as with most people once and idea of you is stuck, seems like it’s stuck for good. I felt like my heart broke when he told me he didn’t want to see me, he needed a break.

I felt like I had to suffer in silence, I couldn’t tell my story, couldn’t explain the hurt I felt and how I felt he failed me. If I failed him in more than one way, it’s because we didn’t communicate in the ways I needed or the ways he needed. I wasn’t going to be enough and I knew it from the beginning, sometimes you just know but forge on anyway. I wanted to be needed, loved and desired. All those things mattered to me, I felt a need to serve and I thought I found my place, by his side, with him. But it was short-lived, we wanted different things for sure, he probably even wanted things I didn’t even know about. That’s where it probably wasn’t good for me to invest in it. You invest in people who would put your needs before their own. I’ve put others before myself a lot, you get older and time goes on and you tell yourself why do you do that?

Loving yourself is the only real way you can be able to love others. Maybe I didn’t love myself enough to want better. I think I fell hard for him, it was deep, I felt I needed him but he didn’t need me. I think that is where I thought things would be the same but they were different. Not understanding me or wanting to understand me. Placing the blame on me, the coolness of his feelings, the instant changes in our relationship and the shift that was felt but never really talked about and he ended it. I might have felt lost and I might have felt a bit used and I might have wished he was different but you can’t wish things like this were just different, they are what they are.

I don’t blame him for letting me go, if you don’t believe someone is right for you then you should let them go. I am glad he let me go, it was the best thing for me. I don’t want to be changed by someone, I want them to see me and how I really am and accept me with open arms. I think the less acceptance I feel, the less feelings I have for the person until there is none at all. I’ve gotten past most things but it has made an significant impact on my life I won’t soon forget it. I wish him well wherever he is. I forgive him and I hope he forgives me. I’m letting it go.

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Forgiveness and moving on

About 6 months ago I started a relationship after not having one for a very long time. I thought it was going to be mostly fun, I thought it would allow me to play again and I thought, well I was open to anything. So I forged ahead not knowing where things would go. Four months down the line I started to notice things, started to have issues. Actually I went through a very high learning curve, learning what sharing one person was all about, what being poly was all about and being with someone with more partners than anyone I knew was all about. It was obvious we were different, those really didn’t get noticed in the first few months we knew each other. But then things started to change and we never talked about those changes. In a relationship I expect someone to communicate with me about everything, if it affects me I should know about it.

I think that I felt like things were ending, I wasn’t being accepted for my differences, communication was breaking down and so was the connection between us. I felt lost and it was like it didn’t matter. I wanted to be loved by this person and I tried to be what they wanted. But I think that was exactly what I shouldn’t have had to do, trying to be something I’m not has never worked for me. Trying to fit inside someone else’s box has never worked for me. Trying to love someone who really doesn’t love me the way I love them has never worked for me. There were a lot of other factors involved. I think the main thing was we had different plans, wanting things completely different and a lot of things just not aligning.

It ended much differently then I thought though, a phone call and no face to face until maybe a week or two later and we never talked about how we broke up. We never talked about how we both felt, what things we felt were unresolved. I felt alone and abandoned literally because of someone else. I’ve never had a relationship end the way it did. I wasn’t ready for it to end but they were and I was left picking up the pieces, picking up the pieces of my broken. Because it was crushed and he knew it but didn’t care that it was.

At a point I had to get angry, I had to be mad because I let myself just get lost with someone who I knew eventually would hurt me. I feel like it was unfair. But most things in life are unfair and I could have let this desolate my entire soul. The soul and the heart I put in their hands to keep safe and protect. But I decided instead to forgive. Forgiveness was hard because you want to turn the hurt you feel in to sadness, in to hate or loathing or something else. You go through all these different stages and luckily I didn’t have to endure this for years. I think I would have ended up more of a mess. But even though I was lost, even though I felt abandoned I decided to forgive.

The forgiveness was a selfish act, people talk about being selfless, but you have to love yourself in order to love someone else. You have to want to protect yourself from all those people who would rip your soul in two if they could get the chance. I decided to forgive because it’s what I needed to do for myself. I forgave the acts that were thoughtless but it doesn’t mean I will forget them. It made enough of an impression on me that I would never want to repeat what happened to me again. I also don’t wish it on anyone else either. I think that had I come to my senses sooner I could have changed events and ended things on my own terms.

We even had a conversation about the fact that we had both come close to ending it, I thought we had resolved that. But as I went down the inevitable rabbit hole, got deeper, felt more attached to them it was harder. It was easier for them to just say sorry I don’t want to get in to a heavy relationship with you. But then ironically choose someone else to actually take the place of what I couldn’t provide them or what I could never be to them. I think about everything I could have or should have done but then I realize none of it would have mattered because the other person didn’t see me.

They didn’t see the real me, didn’t accept everything there was about me. I would never want to not be  accepted by the person I love. I think feeling like I somehow failed was the hardest part. You place the blame on yourself, you think you just weren’t good enough. But really we weren’t right for each other, no matter how much I love someone, them not accepting me is never going to further the relationship.

We both were at fault in some way, we both had our own issues. I chose to face them and accept my limitations and I had limitations and I also accepted my imperfections. I realize I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I forgive those who have hurt me because it shows compassion and it helps me to understand why it just didn’t work and helps me to move forward and on.

Those words were harder to say, staying in the mess that was left would have been easier. Letting it bury me would probably have been easier still. But I’m a survivor of most things, I’ve been hurt more times than not so this is nothing new to me. I still get right back up and fight to continue a path or change my course to fit my needs. I can only rely on myself, no one else can live my life for me. I have strength that I know I never had before because of the things I learned from this.

I also learned what doesn’t work and what I will not tolerate. I want to live life on my own terms and I won’t let anything stand in the way of where I need to be. Not anymore so I’ve learned to forgive, my heart will mend but I won’t forget.