Transition and change

Lately I have been feeling a shift, transition and change within my relationship. It’s been hard to not be as connected to someone I love because of other factors I cannot control. Not being in control of things is scary and it can make me crazy. I want to continue to grow and experience whatever these changes will bring but not at the cost of being me or my heart. When I love it’s with everything I am, I can’t love half way. I never plan to fall for someone, if it happens it magically transforms me. I feel like I am the luckiest person to feel this, I’ve been in love very few times in my life. It’s a vulnerable place to be, I’m unprotected from a lot of things that might hurt me along the way. I also experience a lot of good feelings, great moments and experiences that challenge me and help me grow.

I know I cannot be everything to everyone, I know that I might have limitations that prevent me from experiencing what others want me to experience. On a deeper level I dislike that about myself but i also understand that I am learning quickly, adapting to change quickly and at a point i get overwhelmed. I’m moving as fast as my mind can process events, emotions and come to some clearer understanding about the way in which i want to live my life.

But I also want the other person or people in my life to understand me better, to help me get through and past feelings of neglect, maybe jealousy, maybe not being good enough and a whole host of things that go through my head when i feel like something isn’t quite right. Sometimes I feel like I am being left out, like I don’t belong. I try to own up to these feelings, understand why I feel this way.

I know I am unique, uniqueness makes you special but it can also hinder your experiences with others or even leave you feeling like some of your needs just aren’t being met. I understand I still have a lot of growing to do and a lot to learn. I am unsure of a lot and that uncertainty makes me uneasy and I want to feel some comfort. I want to feel like i’m understood, like the other person or people in my life know what i am going through and they accept me for me no matter what.

I will struggle, I’m trying not to. I’m trying to be happy and forge a path for myself that I can be proud of. I want to be strong and know that I am supported and yes loved because that is what feeds my soul. I want to communicate and communicate some more until I understand even if that understanding means things will change. If I feel hurt, I want the other person to understand the hurt I feel isn’t because I feel like they don’t love me but maybe because I feel like I don’t measure up. That is a part of me being human, striving to always do better and push myself more so that I can be a better me than I was yesterday, then I was a week ago.

I have a hunger for a lot of things and I’m not perfect. I wish I could be but I never will be. I accept this about myself and I would hope that others accept this too. It takes time for me to communicate my needs, my emotions and I’m learning to change this to help others better help me. I know transparency is important. I want people to know me, really know me and my heart. I’m still guarded in a way, I still protect myself from being rejected. Because lets face it rejection hurts, you go through your whole life being rejected in one way or another and what you really rather have is acceptance. I try to accept other people, I might not know them or like them right away but i try to accept them. I try to treat other people with respect, I’m trying to love and accept love and I am trying to be me.

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My middle and me

One day without noticing Sir discovered I had a little. I use to feel so comfortable cuddling up to Him, we would laugh and  He would kiss my nose and my forehead. I felt like I was so loved and so special to Him.

I needed to feel that and I got comfortable in that shared space and energy with Him. I think she came out then, He told me my voice changed and so did my energy. I thought it was bizarre that I never really realized she was inside me before.

He recognized it and had experience with it. I didn’t and I didn’t have any concept of what being a little girl even meant. I thought in the grand scheme of things it was sort of strange, just unknown territory for a girl like me. But now every time I am with Him I think she comes out.

I love laughing with Him while we watch tv and snuggle. I miss that a lot when I am not with Him. I think of Him often and I enjoy when He tells me He thought of me too. I just started calling Him Daddy, that is new. I think it’s something I have wanted to do for awhile. I just had to express that desire with Him. He wants to know every aspect of me, every facet because anything He owns or uses He wants to know on a deep level.

I want to explore being a little girl more, I think it’s healthy but then I worry about the darker places it might take me. Will He also want to see those? My mind is vast and I know the deeper we go, the darker sides might creep out unknowingly. I know they are there, I’ve experienced it and it scares me.

But the safer I feel with Him, I know the deeper and more rich the experiences will be with Him. I feel happy, it doesn’t take much. Just a simple conversation and things are so much lighter, I smile and I miss Him with all the love I have inside.

I like loving someone, it’s probably the simplest thing you can do. It doesn’t take much but it took me opening up and my walls being completely torn down to be open to it.

I can only hope that this feeling never ends…