I think at some point in my kink life I always tried to strive to be the best I could be. I started out as a slave outside of the public scene when I was 29. But things started to happen for me a little bit before that. But when I was a slave at first I hardly knew what that meant. I was told some things, trained for some things but I wasn’t doing what I could really do. I wasn’t challenge to my full potential. I struggled a lot with it and as a starting position in kink. That was a hard point to be at with not enough reading or actual training I struggled with a lot of concepts and in general that master and I were not a good fit for each other.
I was emotional, well actually I am an emotional person. I tend to mask a lot of things well but the one thing you can always count on is my head thinking to much and my emotions being involved as a result of over thinking which I do often. In any case I lasted for a year by sheer will because I am a devoted servant and when things get hard it makes me want to stick things out. I took on a role, granted a role I wasn’t fully versed in at the time. But I felt a commitment to my service and in serving that master. I thought with all the ups and downs we had that I did the best I could.
But I wanted to have friends and attend events and he didn’t desire any of that. I felt like I was being kept away from the people that could easily be my kin and help me to learn what I needed to know. I had a moment of clarity and decided that even though I cared and I deeply did that it was in my best interest to take the collar off.
That was an agonizing decision because i almost felt like I was defeated, simply because I had to make a decision that was as permanent as anything I had ever made. Once it was done it could never be undone. I asked for release and that was the end of my life as I had known it. But that pushed me in to the beginnings of my public kink explorations, finding community, making new friends and a whole host of things I had never even experienced before. I was alone and on this new journey to explore the real me and see what I was actual made of.
But I entered the community alone and it was a hard journey for me to say the least. I fumbled and I made mistakes and I had happy moments and sad ones. I think I did that for awhile on and off. I played with friends often, volunteered, played every weekend I could, put myself out there but it was still hard to find that person that I was meant to serve. I had other relationships that failed and I still continued on like a soldier doing what I thought was right to do. Eventually being a slave in general had become the farthest thing from my mind.
It sat there waiting for it’s moment to come back in to my life and full force. I wouldn’t even have known what had hit me if it didn’t come with a warm hug and a smile that could light up the dullest room. My Master was a surprise, I mean the way we met was really luck or by chance. I talked about it in my last post. He by sheer force commanded me and not in the way you would think. His mastery is subtle, He is romantic, He loves woman, loves the energy about them. He compelled me to become His. Not by force just simply by being Himself. Hard to believe that is all it took, oh I forgot to mention He is a really good kisser that did it too.
My submission to Him happened in one play session in a bar at a munch and it was amazing. To say that I felt like something had electrified my soul is sort of an understatement. I really do think He reawakened me in a way that I am still trying to understand. I know He is in my life for a reason and I think He will always be. We are connected that way. I know this now and knowing this makes exploring with Him even more amazing then it was before.
He was my light. It’s not often that I talk like this about anyone but my fingers just can’t stop because I am in awe of Him. Everyday I feel like I am lucky, so lucky to have Him, being in the same room, laughing with Him, going to an event or spending alone time. He gives me joy. I can say this because it seems like I’ve been understanding myself more. He has helped me in so many ways I can’t even begin to recount them.
Being a slave, being in service to Him gives me peace. It’s like I am the storm but when I see Him or He touches me it’s like I am at peace. My heart is open and I am one with Him. I feel like I could spend chapters talking about what He has meant to me. But I will simply say that I could not have guessed that He would bring me full circle right back to the beginning of things. I feel like this path is my new beginning, it feels like He has always been my Master, I just had not met Him yet.