So for four months I have been on this journey trying to see if poly is something I can even handle or desire. I met and started to have feelings for someone with a ton of partners on their plate. I didn’t know what I was getting in to in the beginning, didn’t realize how complicated this persons life was. I was overwhelmed probably right from the start, all the information coming at me from all directions, the introductions and it was a lot to swallow.
I hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone poly since my first Master and not only that the most poly person I think exists on the planet. The person that loves relationships, loves new play partners, loves love and affection coming at them in all directions and all the time. I didn’t really know how to handle this or what to think about it. Usually a partner would help me in some way get a good grasp of their relationship with me and not a lot of that was really discussed as much as it should have been.
I liked them enough to continue seeing as I was the new girl, I had to meet everyone. They eventually had feedback from the others involved with them on if they liked me or not. Most did which I guess was a good thing. I continued to get deeper and deeper in to the relationship, the feelings were getting stronger. I don’t know why they told me they loved me that one night, I had felt something and I was holding back. I always felt like it was a disaster for anyone to say they loved anyone because eventually they would find out the person didn’t love them back.
Loving someone was always easy for me to do, them loving me back didn’t always happen in most of the cases. I actually said it back, it just came out as we were in bed and I was happy about it. I felt good, was it so wrong to finally feel happy about being with someone? I had longed for a lot and wanted a lot. I was hungry for it. I asked for too much in the beginning then decided to stop asking. I felt like I was getting too deep and I didn’t want to just lose myself, didn’t want to eventually get hurt.
I one day came to a realization that just helped me for the time being stop all the noise in my head. I had to stop it or it would eat me alive. So I finally realized what they actually wanted as opposed to what I actually wanted. I came to an understanding with myself that I was ok with that and that did help me for a while. I thought I had broken through all the bs talk and come to peace with existing in a role that wasn’t one that I was use to. I was thriving and I was happy and I was evolving, moving forward and sharing the love that I had found within myself.
It was a good place to be for a while. I think we bonded a lot, shared decent experiences and connected on the levels that we needed to. But stuff still came up and currently is coming up and I’m trying to move past it all. For anyone that thinks poly is easy, let me tell you it is way harder than being in a monogamous relationship.
You will bare your soul, remove your walls and be in a very vulnerable place. Emotions get through, when someone says anything bad about you it will hurt, when you feel like your not doing your best or not being the strong person your capable of being it will disappoint you.
I have been gifted with a ton of great skills, I can be devoted, loyal, I can serve, I can be social, dress up and play any role you want me to. I can also simply be just me, probably one of the hardest parts to play. It’s easy to be the slave, the slut, the little girl, the socialite and the list goes on. But just being me and having someone just except me for that is not easy.
My inner workings are coming to the surface, my heart is literally on the surface of my skin, every time i’m touched, you see a warm smile from me, i laugh, i share a conversation, i hold someones hand, i get high from play or being fucked, i sing for you…that is all me.
Is it enough, am i enough. I don’t have the answers yet.