Poly and Me Part 1

So for four months I have been on this journey trying to see if poly is something I can even handle or desire. I met and started to have feelings for someone with a ton of partners on their plate. I didn’t know what I was getting in to in the beginning, didn’t realize how complicated this persons life was. I was overwhelmed probably right from the start, all the information coming at me from all directions, the introductions and it was a lot to swallow.

I hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone poly since my first Master and not only that the most poly person I think exists on the planet. The person that loves relationships, loves new play partners, loves love and affection coming at them in all directions and all the time. I didn’t really know how to handle this or what to think about it. Usually a partner would help me in some way get a good grasp of their relationship with me and not a lot of that was really discussed as much as it should have been.

I liked them enough to continue seeing as I was the new girl, I had to meet everyone. They eventually had feedback from the others involved with them on if they liked me or not. Most did which I guess was a good thing. I continued to get deeper and deeper in to the relationship, the feelings were getting stronger. I don’t know why they told me they loved me that one night, I had felt something and I was holding back. I always felt like it was a disaster for anyone to say they loved anyone because eventually they would find out the person didn’t love them back.

Loving someone was always easy for me to do, them loving me back didn’t always happen in most of the cases. I actually said it back, it just came out as we were in bed and I was happy about it. I felt good, was it so wrong to finally feel happy about being with someone? I had longed for a lot and wanted a lot. I was hungry for it. I asked for too much in the beginning then decided to stop asking. I felt like I was getting too deep and I didn’t want to just lose myself, didn’t want to eventually get hurt.

I one day came to a realization that just helped me for the time being stop all the noise in my head. I had to stop it or it would eat me alive. So I finally realized what they actually wanted as opposed to what I actually wanted. I came to an understanding with myself that I was ok with that and that did help me for a while. I thought I had broken through all the bs talk and come to peace with existing in a role that wasn’t one that I was use to. I was thriving and I was happy and I was evolving, moving forward and sharing the love that I had found within myself.

It was a good place to be for a while. I think we bonded a lot, shared decent experiences and connected on the levels that we needed to. But stuff still came up and currently is coming up and I’m trying to move past it all. For anyone that thinks poly is easy, let me tell you it is way harder than being in a monogamous relationship.

You will bare your soul, remove your walls and be in a very vulnerable place. Emotions get through, when someone says anything bad about you it will hurt, when you feel like your not doing your best or not being the strong person your capable of being it will disappoint you.

I have been gifted with a ton of great skills, I can be devoted, loyal, I can serve, I can be social, dress up and play any role you want me to. I can also simply be just me, probably one of the hardest parts to play. It’s easy to be the slave, the slut, the little girl, the socialite and the list goes on. But just being me and having someone just except me for that is not easy.

My inner workings are coming to the surface, my heart is literally on the surface of my skin, every time i’m touched, you see a warm smile from me, i laugh, i share a conversation, i hold someones hand, i get high from play or being fucked, i sing for you…that is all me.

Is it enough, am i enough. I don’t have the answers yet.

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Re-awakening

I think at some point in my kink life I always tried to strive to be the best I could be. I started out as a slave outside of the public scene when I was 29. But things started to happen for me a little bit before that. But when I was a slave at first I hardly knew what that meant. I was told some things, trained for some things but I wasn’t doing what I could really do. I wasn’t challenge to my full potential. I struggled a lot with it and as a starting position in kink. That was a hard point to be at with not enough reading or actual training I struggled with a lot of concepts and in general that master and I were not a good fit for each other.

I was emotional, well actually I am an emotional person. I tend to mask a lot of things well but the one thing you can always count on is my head thinking to much and my emotions being involved as a result of over thinking which I do often. In any case I lasted for a year by sheer will because I am a devoted servant and when things get hard it makes me want to stick things out. I took on a role, granted a role I wasn’t fully versed in at the time. But I felt a commitment to my service and in serving that master. I thought with all the ups and downs we had that I did the best I could.

But I wanted to have friends and attend events and he didn’t desire any of that. I felt like I was being kept away from the people that could easily be my kin and help me to learn what I needed to know. I had a moment of clarity and decided that even though I cared and I deeply did that it was in my best interest to take the collar off.

That was an agonizing decision because i almost felt like I was defeated, simply because I had to make a decision that was as permanent as anything I had ever made. Once it was done it could never be undone. I asked for release and that was the end of my life as I had known it. But that pushed me in to the beginnings of my public kink explorations, finding community, making new friends and a whole host of things I had never even experienced before. I was alone and on this new journey to explore the real me and see what I was actual made of.

But I entered the community alone and it was a hard journey for me to say the least. I fumbled and I made mistakes and I had happy moments and sad ones. I think I did that for awhile on and off. I played with friends often, volunteered, played every weekend I could, put myself out there but it was still hard to find that person that I was meant to serve. I had other relationships that failed and I still continued on like a soldier doing what I thought was right to do. Eventually being a slave in general had become the farthest thing from my mind.

It sat there waiting for it’s moment to come back in to my life and full force. I wouldn’t even have known what had hit me if it didn’t come with a warm hug and a smile that could light up the dullest room. My Master was a surprise, I mean the way we met was really luck or by chance. I talked about it in my last post. He by sheer force commanded me and not in the way you would think. His mastery is subtle, He is romantic, He loves woman, loves the energy about them. He compelled me to become His. Not by force just simply by being Himself. Hard to believe that is all it took, oh I forgot to mention He is a really good kisser that did it too.

My submission to Him happened in one play session in a bar at a munch and it was amazing. To say that I felt like something had electrified my soul is sort of an understatement. I really do think He reawakened me in a way that I am still trying to understand. I know He is in my life for a reason and I think He will always be. We are connected that way. I know this now and knowing this makes exploring with Him even more amazing then it was before.

He was my light. It’s not often that I talk like this about anyone but my fingers just can’t stop because I am in awe of Him. Everyday I feel like I am lucky, so lucky to have Him, being in the same room, laughing with Him, going to an event or spending alone time. He gives me joy. I can say this because it seems like I’ve been understanding myself more. He has helped me in so many ways I can’t even begin to recount them.

Being a slave, being in service to Him gives me peace. It’s like I am the storm but when I see Him or He touches me it’s like I am at peace. My heart is open and I am one with Him. I feel like I could spend chapters talking about what He has meant to me. But I will simply say that I could not have guessed that He would bring me full circle right back to the beginning of things. I feel like this path is my new beginning, it feels like He has always been my Master, I just had not met Him yet.

My new path..

So here I write after a big hiatus, I felt like I could say more here then on fetlife. I could care less about getting on the k&p.  I care more about my own self discoveries and maybe sharing a piece of myself with the people I dearly love and care about.  The last four months have been a roller coaster of a ride. I was this close to throwing in the towel and what I mean by that is leaving fetlife and maybe kink all together. Talk about a serious decision but honestly that was were I was at before four months ago.

I was lonely and not happy. I would pop in to events ever so often but I felt a disconnect with all my kinky friends and I felt a bit lost. This has happened more than once and it caused me to reflect and question who I really am and what I really desire in my life. I hadn’t played in the longest time or seriously connected to anyone and felt that bliss I had always been searching for but could never find. I wanted to find it, my heart needed to be filled again, my body ached and needed to be touched and I had no clue how to get the things I needed.

Then one day I was on fetlife and saw someone on my friends list post that they wanted a rope bunny/slut because they needed to practice there craft more often. I was slightly curious about this dominant, I didn’t actually know him all that well. But some how he ended up on my friends list and we also had a mutual person in common. Also tons of other kink friends in common so I read his profile fairly thoroughly and even his writings. I like to read just about everything about a person when I am interested in pursuing something. And believe me I was surprised at what I was finding out about him, not in a bad red flag sort of way..the good wow he could be someone I would actually like to get to know variety.

So before I even contacted him I milled over his profile more than once and then made the plunge to contact him. I contacted him and almost immediately got a response back. So we messaged each other back and forth, me asking questions and him giving the responses. To my surprise he answered every question with clarity, no hesitation and that almost through me. So we finally got to the point that he asked to meet, actually it was suppose to be dinner but instead I ended up going to a local munch to meet him and chat.

I went and saw him, when i spotted him, he immediately hugged me. Not sure if I was being tested just then, it was a little strange to be hugged automatically but it felt ok. So in a room full of people we proceeded to talk and get to know each other. He asked me what I was all about, I’m not in the habit of discussing myself a lot with others. But I made the effort to tell him well..I’m bisexual and monogamous. He immediately said “So how does that work?” We’ll I just laughed and I think that put me at ease, he was really kind to me so it was easy to talk to him.  Then before you know it he asked me to play, I was going to get tied up and usually my rule is I had to see someone play before I would ever allow a new person to play with me.

I for some reason chose to bypass my rule simply because I felt comfortable with him and I was open to whatever was in store for me. We played and it felt so good to be playing with someone who absolutely loved what they were doing and radiated that. Every touch, Him guiding the rope against my body. Handling me with intent, connecting and making me smile. Probably one of the first times I had in awhile. I kept watching Him and He amazed me, the energy was there between us and His ties were awesome. I took pictures that night and it created a defining moment for me. I couldn’t have picked a better person to do that with.

He sent me home and I thought about the next time we would do that again. I felt like we were on to something, at least I felt like there was something there. I don’t feel like that with other people. Friends I’ve played with it’s always been fun but I never feel like this. I felt like I could go deeper and I didn’t know it then but I got to experience that even more as the months progressed.

He was only looking for a play partner(rope partner) at the time but after hanging out with Him at His house with His close friends one weekend it turned in to something else. It felt organic and natural wasn’t forced at all. We started to go down this M/s path, a path I hadn’t really thought about in a very long time. I actually thought that I didn’t want to be a slave, that I had no desire to delve in to the depths of a relationship like that. Maybe It was fear, I was afraid to let anyone in to my head as much as all that. Let someone really get to know the real me. But I couldn’t help it, it’s what I wanted deep down and He was bringing out something in me.  It was there, His master energy and my slave and submissive energy. It worked between us, we went slow and at the pace He wished to go with me. I was hungry and I always wanted more.

He brings out that hunger in me, that desire and it’s amazing to find someone who can do that. So that was the beginning of everything for me. I could talk about us forever but Master has awakened everything I have desired for such a long time. My love, trust, loyalty and devotion in service to Him is my bliss.

Slavery is the path I have been called to finally, it has come full circle from where I started to where I am at now. I’ll talk more about that in another post. But 4 months down and I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought I could in such a short time. I have more to say but I’ll leave it at this, my heart is full of love and my world feels limitless. That is what He has brought me.