My Life has changed..

I thought 5 months ago that I was embarking on something amazing, I hadn’t had a serious relationship with anyone in quite a while which amounted to a year or so. I had been meeting people and it never really amounted to much but casual which I never liked and wasn’t doing well at. But I chose to meet people because I was looking for something, I had my ideas in place of what I wanted.  But through searching things evolved, I had learned a great many new skills and I had played with friends. I was having fun but that void was still there, the need to serve and be with that special person just left me restless and longing.

I enjoyed the social aspect of being out there and among the friends I enjoyed being with in various ways and places. I had been chatting on-line when someone walked in like a breathe of fresh air to talk and say hello. At that moment I only spoke a few words and then He was gone for the night, it was enough to intrigue me and find out more and indeed I did. What happened next was sort of blur but in retrospect we chatted for a few months on and off. Thought we had gotten to know each other well enough to have that all important first meeting.

But just before that we had a long night of chat, blood definitely boiled to the breaking point as we talked for a mere 7 hours, yes it was exciting and amazing and I hadn’t talked like that with anyone who intrigued me that much. A person who could stir my soul and figure me out in the hours that we spent longing to see each other, wanting to that very night but opting for patience until the following day.

After work he came by, I had no clue what would transpire but we seem to hit it off. I know we went to dinner, can’t recall what we talked about but that night was an amazing one. I won’t soon forget it..After all the excitement though we started seeing each other a lot. He was actually going through medical stuff and I decided that I’d spend time with Him. That was hard, it made me think about my mother, why? We’ll when I was in my early twenties she got diagnosed with colon cancer, at that time I was away in New Hampshire and then came back to California to live, find a job and go back to school.

I never went with my mom to treatments, the chemo, the radiation all took their toll on her. Cancer spread for some reason straight to her brain, didn’t take long and I can’t imagine why they never caught  this when she had been going to the doctor before. She eventually had 5 tumors and then one day after I had left for work, I called trying to get a hold of her but couldn’t. Came home late after work like I always did and found her and she was gone, nothing I could do but call 911. I went ape shit if you could imagine and the rest is history after that.

In any case it wasn’t fun being there seeing someone who I cared about and had just started seeing in that condition but I tried to be supportive and do the things which I thought He needed. But it wasn’t what He needed, right from the start it was a bit too hard. Not an easy transition to be with someone who had a serious medical condition and in a new relationship. I tried to be the person He wanted and needed, I always try to be what they want and in the end it never plays out the way I had envisioned.

We loved each other a lot but stress, money, health and many other things just took a toll. I don’t ever think it really got a chance, sort of doomed to fail situation. Two people in love, not really knowing each other well, finally find out what the other person is really like. Maybe it’s not exactly what they envisioned but they try to make it work and in the end it doesn’t. Seems like the story of my life, many things planned but nothing achieved and time is wasted.

Now I have nothing to show for all that time and effort but some good memories and maybe leaving the bad one’s behind and starting fresh. I have no idea in which direction I should go but forward. That’s all I know how to do, I’m still alive and I have to try to live my life the best I can and I know how to.

I just hope this thing I have been feeling will eventually go away, the hurt is still there and so is the emptiness that I think will be there for a while. Nothing I can do about those until one day they vanish. I can only be who I am and hope that someone one day will recognize how I can make their life better by being in it.

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One thought on “My Life has changed..

  1. TyD says:

    You’ll be ok girl. No time was lost. Experiences were gained. Perhaps your short time together helped you both in some way. Some people wait until their “ship comes in”. You swam out to it, enjoyed it, & served it. It was not in vain & it did have great value. The heart adapts much more slowly than the logical mind. Yours will heal from feelings of helplessness.

    Someone once said “Life is Simple. Make choices. Move on. Don’t cry for what you lost. Smile for what you had.”

    I think you are doing this girl, and doing it well.
    -TyD

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