To the bitter end

It ended as quickly as it started, I was on this high for the first few months of the relationship. It was new, it was exciting and I had my head in the clouds. A girl like me with lots of failed relationships under her belt,  deep down I wanted something beautiful to happen. Wanted something to work so well it complimented my life, complimented the other person and ultimately what I really wanted was to be happy.

After having one of the worst weekends I’ve ever had I tried to think about all that had happened to us and how we use to be,  where we both went wrong. I couldn’t pin point blame but I knew I had failed, I felt lost and It felt like it was all about to come crashing down around me. That Tuesday after our debrief it did, I didn’t protest because I knew nothing would change his mind, nothing would change his feelings about me. And probably not in the future as with most people once and idea of you is stuck, seems like it’s stuck for good. I felt like my heart broke when he told me he didn’t want to see me, he needed a break.

I felt like I had to suffer in silence, I couldn’t tell my story, couldn’t explain the hurt I felt and how I felt he failed me. If I failed him in more than one way, it’s because we didn’t communicate in the ways I needed or the ways he needed. I wasn’t going to be enough and I knew it from the beginning, sometimes you just know but forge on anyway. I wanted to be needed, loved and desired. All those things mattered to me, I felt a need to serve and I thought I found my place, by his side, with him. But it was short-lived, we wanted different things for sure, he probably even wanted things I didn’t even know about. That’s where it probably wasn’t good for me to invest in it. You invest in people who would put your needs before their own. I’ve put others before myself a lot, you get older and time goes on and you tell yourself why do you do that?

Loving yourself is the only real way you can be able to love others. Maybe I didn’t love myself enough to want better. I think I fell hard for him, it was deep, I felt I needed him but he didn’t need me. I think that is where I thought things would be the same but they were different. Not understanding me or wanting to understand me. Placing the blame on me, the coolness of his feelings, the instant changes in our relationship and the shift that was felt but never really talked about and he ended it. I might have felt lost and I might have felt a bit used and I might have wished he was different but you can’t wish things like this were just different, they are what they are.

I don’t blame him for letting me go, if you don’t believe someone is right for you then you should let them go. I am glad he let me go, it was the best thing for me. I don’t want to be changed by someone, I want them to see me and how I really am and accept me with open arms. I think the less acceptance I feel, the less feelings I have for the person until there is none at all. I’ve gotten past most things but it has made an significant impact on my life I won’t soon forget it. I wish him well wherever he is. I forgive him and I hope he forgives me. I’m letting it go.

Forgiveness and moving on

About 6 months ago I started a relationship after not having one for a very long time. I thought it was going to be mostly fun, I thought it would allow me to play again and I thought, well I was open to anything. So I forged ahead not knowing where things would go. Four months down the line I started to notice things, started to have issues. Actually I went through a very high learning curve, learning what sharing one person was all about, what being poly was all about and being with someone with more partners than anyone I knew was all about. It was obvious we were different, those really didn’t get noticed in the first few months we knew each other. But then things started to change and we never talked about those changes. In a relationship I expect someone to communicate with me about everything, if it affects me I should know about it.

I think that I felt like things were ending, I wasn’t being accepted for my differences, communication was breaking down and so was the connection between us. I felt lost and it was like it didn’t matter. I wanted to be loved by this person and I tried to be what they wanted. But I think that was exactly what I shouldn’t have had to do, trying to be something I’m not has never worked for me. Trying to fit inside someone else’s box has never worked for me. Trying to love someone who really doesn’t love me the way I love them has never worked for me. There were a lot of other factors involved. I think the main thing was we had different plans, wanting things completely different and a lot of things just not aligning.

It ended much differently then I thought though, a phone call and no face to face until maybe a week or two later and we never talked about how we broke up. We never talked about how we both felt, what things we felt were unresolved. I felt alone and abandoned literally because of someone else. I’ve never had a relationship end the way it did. I wasn’t ready for it to end but they were and I was left picking up the pieces, picking up the pieces of my broken. Because it was crushed and he knew it but didn’t care that it was.

At a point I had to get angry, I had to be mad because I let myself just get lost with someone who I knew eventually would hurt me. I feel like it was unfair. But most things in life are unfair and I could have let this desolate my entire soul. The soul and the heart I put in their hands to keep safe and protect. But I decided instead to forgive. Forgiveness was hard because you want to turn the hurt you feel in to sadness, in to hate or loathing or something else. You go through all these different stages and luckily I didn’t have to endure this for years. I think I would have ended up more of a mess. But even though I was lost, even though I felt abandoned I decided to forgive.

The forgiveness was a selfish act, people talk about being selfless, but you have to love yourself in order to love someone else. You have to want to protect yourself from all those people who would rip your soul in two if they could get the chance. I decided to forgive because it’s what I needed to do for myself. I forgave the acts that were thoughtless but it doesn’t mean I will forget them. It made enough of an impression on me that I would never want to repeat what happened to me again. I also don’t wish it on anyone else either. I think that had I come to my senses sooner I could have changed events and ended things on my own terms.

We even had a conversation about the fact that we had both come close to ending it, I thought we had resolved that. But as I went down the inevitable rabbit hole, got deeper, felt more attached to them it was harder. It was easier for them to just say sorry I don’t want to get in to a heavy relationship with you. But then ironically choose someone else to actually take the place of what I couldn’t provide them or what I could never be to them. I think about everything I could have or should have done but then I realize none of it would have mattered because the other person didn’t see me.

They didn’t see the real me, didn’t accept everything there was about me. I would never want to not be  accepted by the person I love. I think feeling like I somehow failed was the hardest part. You place the blame on yourself, you think you just weren’t good enough. But really we weren’t right for each other, no matter how much I love someone, them not accepting me is never going to further the relationship.

We both were at fault in some way, we both had our own issues. I chose to face them and accept my limitations and I had limitations and I also accepted my imperfections. I realize I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I forgive those who have hurt me because it shows compassion and it helps me to understand why it just didn’t work and helps me to move forward and on.

Those words were harder to say, staying in the mess that was left would have been easier. Letting it bury me would probably have been easier still. But I’m a survivor of most things, I’ve been hurt more times than not so this is nothing new to me. I still get right back up and fight to continue a path or change my course to fit my needs. I can only rely on myself, no one else can live my life for me. I have strength that I know I never had before because of the things I learned from this.

I also learned what doesn’t work and what I will not tolerate. I want to live life on my own terms and I won’t let anything stand in the way of where I need to be. Not anymore so I’ve learned to forgive, my heart will mend but I won’t forget.

Transition and change

Lately I have been feeling a shift, transition and change within my relationship. It’s been hard to not be as connected to someone I love because of other factors I cannot control. Not being in control of things is scary and it can make me crazy. I want to continue to grow and experience whatever these changes will bring but not at the cost of being me or my heart. When I love it’s with everything I am, I can’t love half way. I never plan to fall for someone, if it happens it magically transforms me. I feel like I am the luckiest person to feel this, I’ve been in love very few times in my life. It’s a vulnerable place to be, I’m unprotected from a lot of things that might hurt me along the way. I also experience a lot of good feelings, great moments and experiences that challenge me and help me grow.

I know I cannot be everything to everyone, I know that I might have limitations that prevent me from experiencing what others want me to experience. On a deeper level I dislike that about myself but i also understand that I am learning quickly, adapting to change quickly and at a point i get overwhelmed. I’m moving as fast as my mind can process events, emotions and come to some clearer understanding about the way in which i want to live my life.

But I also want the other person or people in my life to understand me better, to help me get through and past feelings of neglect, maybe jealousy, maybe not being good enough and a whole host of things that go through my head when i feel like something isn’t quite right. Sometimes I feel like I am being left out, like I don’t belong. I try to own up to these feelings, understand why I feel this way.

I know I am unique, uniqueness makes you special but it can also hinder your experiences with others or even leave you feeling like some of your needs just aren’t being met. I understand I still have a lot of growing to do and a lot to learn. I am unsure of a lot and that uncertainty makes me uneasy and I want to feel some comfort. I want to feel like i’m understood, like the other person or people in my life know what i am going through and they accept me for me no matter what.

I will struggle, I’m trying not to. I’m trying to be happy and forge a path for myself that I can be proud of. I want to be strong and know that I am supported and yes loved because that is what feeds my soul. I want to communicate and communicate some more until I understand even if that understanding means things will change. If I feel hurt, I want the other person to understand the hurt I feel isn’t because I feel like they don’t love me but maybe because I feel like I don’t measure up. That is a part of me being human, striving to always do better and push myself more so that I can be a better me than I was yesterday, then I was a week ago.

I have a hunger for a lot of things and I’m not perfect. I wish I could be but I never will be. I accept this about myself and I would hope that others accept this too. It takes time for me to communicate my needs, my emotions and I’m learning to change this to help others better help me. I know transparency is important. I want people to know me, really know me and my heart. I’m still guarded in a way, I still protect myself from being rejected. Because lets face it rejection hurts, you go through your whole life being rejected in one way or another and what you really rather have is acceptance. I try to accept other people, I might not know them or like them right away but i try to accept them. I try to treat other people with respect, I’m trying to love and accept love and I am trying to be me.

My middle and me

One day without noticing Sir discovered I had a little. I use to feel so comfortable cuddling up to Him, we would laugh and  He would kiss my nose and my forehead. I felt like I was so loved and so special to Him.

I needed to feel that and I got comfortable in that shared space and energy with Him. I think she came out then, He told me my voice changed and so did my energy. I thought it was bizarre that I never really realized she was inside me before.

He recognized it and had experience with it. I didn’t and I didn’t have any concept of what being a little girl even meant. I thought in the grand scheme of things it was sort of strange, just unknown territory for a girl like me. But now every time I am with Him I think she comes out.

I love laughing with Him while we watch tv and snuggle. I miss that a lot when I am not with Him. I think of Him often and I enjoy when He tells me He thought of me too. I just started calling Him Daddy, that is new. I think it’s something I have wanted to do for awhile. I just had to express that desire with Him. He wants to know every aspect of me, every facet because anything He owns or uses He wants to know on a deep level.

I want to explore being a little girl more, I think it’s healthy but then I worry about the darker places it might take me. Will He also want to see those? My mind is vast and I know the deeper we go, the darker sides might creep out unknowingly. I know they are there, I’ve experienced it and it scares me.

But the safer I feel with Him, I know the deeper and more rich the experiences will be with Him. I feel happy, it doesn’t take much. Just a simple conversation and things are so much lighter, I smile and I miss Him with all the love I have inside.

I like loving someone, it’s probably the simplest thing you can do. It doesn’t take much but it took me opening up and my walls being completely torn down to be open to it.

I can only hope that this feeling never ends…

Poly and Me Part 1

So for four months I have been on this journey trying to see if poly is something I can even handle or desire. I met and started to have feelings for someone with a ton of partners on their plate. I didn’t know what I was getting in to in the beginning, didn’t realize how complicated this persons life was. I was overwhelmed probably right from the start, all the information coming at me from all directions, the introductions and it was a lot to swallow.

I hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone poly since my first Master and not only that the most poly person I think exists on the planet. The person that loves relationships, loves new play partners, loves love and affection coming at them in all directions and all the time. I didn’t really know how to handle this or what to think about it. Usually a partner would help me in some way get a good grasp of their relationship with me and not a lot of that was really discussed as much as it should have been.

I liked them enough to continue seeing as I was the new girl, I had to meet everyone. They eventually had feedback from the others involved with them on if they liked me or not. Most did which I guess was a good thing. I continued to get deeper and deeper in to the relationship, the feelings were getting stronger. I don’t know why they told me they loved me that one night, I had felt something and I was holding back. I always felt like it was a disaster for anyone to say they loved anyone because eventually they would find out the person didn’t love them back.

Loving someone was always easy for me to do, them loving me back didn’t always happen in most of the cases. I actually said it back, it just came out as we were in bed and I was happy about it. I felt good, was it so wrong to finally feel happy about being with someone? I had longed for a lot and wanted a lot. I was hungry for it. I asked for too much in the beginning then decided to stop asking. I felt like I was getting too deep and I didn’t want to just lose myself, didn’t want to eventually get hurt.

I one day came to a realization that just helped me for the time being stop all the noise in my head. I had to stop it or it would eat me alive. So I finally realized what they actually wanted as opposed to what I actually wanted. I came to an understanding with myself that I was ok with that and that did help me for a while. I thought I had broken through all the bs talk and come to peace with existing in a role that wasn’t one that I was use to. I was thriving and I was happy and I was evolving, moving forward and sharing the love that I had found within myself.

It was a good place to be for a while. I think we bonded a lot, shared decent experiences and connected on the levels that we needed to. But stuff still came up and currently is coming up and I’m trying to move past it all. For anyone that thinks poly is easy, let me tell you it is way harder than being in a monogamous relationship.

You will bare your soul, remove your walls and be in a very vulnerable place. Emotions get through, when someone says anything bad about you it will hurt, when you feel like your not doing your best or not being the strong person your capable of being it will disappoint you.

I have been gifted with a ton of great skills, I can be devoted, loyal, I can serve, I can be social, dress up and play any role you want me to. I can also simply be just me, probably one of the hardest parts to play. It’s easy to be the slave, the slut, the little girl, the socialite and the list goes on. But just being me and having someone just except me for that is not easy.

My inner workings are coming to the surface, my heart is literally on the surface of my skin, every time i’m touched, you see a warm smile from me, i laugh, i share a conversation, i hold someones hand, i get high from play or being fucked, i sing for you…that is all me.

Is it enough, am i enough. I don’t have the answers yet.

Re-awakening

I think at some point in my kink life I always tried to strive to be the best I could be. I started out as a slave outside of the public scene when I was 29. But things started to happen for me a little bit before that. But when I was a slave at first I hardly knew what that meant. I was told some things, trained for some things but I wasn’t doing what I could really do. I wasn’t challenge to my full potential. I struggled a lot with it and as a starting position in kink. That was a hard point to be at with not enough reading or actual training I struggled with a lot of concepts and in general that master and I were not a good fit for each other.

I was emotional, well actually I am an emotional person. I tend to mask a lot of things well but the one thing you can always count on is my head thinking to much and my emotions being involved as a result of over thinking which I do often. In any case I lasted for a year by sheer will because I am a devoted servant and when things get hard it makes me want to stick things out. I took on a role, granted a role I wasn’t fully versed in at the time. But I felt a commitment to my service and in serving that master. I thought with all the ups and downs we had that I did the best I could.

But I wanted to have friends and attend events and he didn’t desire any of that. I felt like I was being kept away from the people that could easily be my kin and help me to learn what I needed to know. I had a moment of clarity and decided that even though I cared and I deeply did that it was in my best interest to take the collar off.

That was an agonizing decision because i almost felt like I was defeated, simply because I had to make a decision that was as permanent as anything I had ever made. Once it was done it could never be undone. I asked for release and that was the end of my life as I had known it. But that pushed me in to the beginnings of my public kink explorations, finding community, making new friends and a whole host of things I had never even experienced before. I was alone and on this new journey to explore the real me and see what I was actual made of.

But I entered the community alone and it was a hard journey for me to say the least. I fumbled and I made mistakes and I had happy moments and sad ones. I think I did that for awhile on and off. I played with friends often, volunteered, played every weekend I could, put myself out there but it was still hard to find that person that I was meant to serve. I had other relationships that failed and I still continued on like a soldier doing what I thought was right to do. Eventually being a slave in general had become the farthest thing from my mind.

It sat there waiting for it’s moment to come back in to my life and full force. I wouldn’t even have known what had hit me if it didn’t come with a warm hug and a smile that could light up the dullest room. My Master was a surprise, I mean the way we met was really luck or by chance. I talked about it in my last post. He by sheer force commanded me and not in the way you would think. His mastery is subtle, He is romantic, He loves woman, loves the energy about them. He compelled me to become His. Not by force just simply by being Himself. Hard to believe that is all it took, oh I forgot to mention He is a really good kisser that did it too.

My submission to Him happened in one play session in a bar at a munch and it was amazing. To say that I felt like something had electrified my soul is sort of an understatement. I really do think He reawakened me in a way that I am still trying to understand. I know He is in my life for a reason and I think He will always be. We are connected that way. I know this now and knowing this makes exploring with Him even more amazing then it was before.

He was my light. It’s not often that I talk like this about anyone but my fingers just can’t stop because I am in awe of Him. Everyday I feel like I am lucky, so lucky to have Him, being in the same room, laughing with Him, going to an event or spending alone time. He gives me joy. I can say this because it seems like I’ve been understanding myself more. He has helped me in so many ways I can’t even begin to recount them.

Being a slave, being in service to Him gives me peace. It’s like I am the storm but when I see Him or He touches me it’s like I am at peace. My heart is open and I am one with Him. I feel like I could spend chapters talking about what He has meant to me. But I will simply say that I could not have guessed that He would bring me full circle right back to the beginning of things. I feel like this path is my new beginning, it feels like He has always been my Master, I just had not met Him yet.

My new path..

So here I write after a big hiatus, I felt like I could say more here then on fetlife. I could care less about getting on the k&p.  I care more about my own self discoveries and maybe sharing a piece of myself with the people I dearly love and care about.  The last four months have been a roller coaster of a ride. I was this close to throwing in the towel and what I mean by that is leaving fetlife and maybe kink all together. Talk about a serious decision but honestly that was were I was at before four months ago.

I was lonely and not happy. I would pop in to events ever so often but I felt a disconnect with all my kinky friends and I felt a bit lost. This has happened more than once and it caused me to reflect and question who I really am and what I really desire in my life. I hadn’t played in the longest time or seriously connected to anyone and felt that bliss I had always been searching for but could never find. I wanted to find it, my heart needed to be filled again, my body ached and needed to be touched and I had no clue how to get the things I needed.

Then one day I was on fetlife and saw someone on my friends list post that they wanted a rope bunny/slut because they needed to practice there craft more often. I was slightly curious about this dominant, I didn’t actually know him all that well. But some how he ended up on my friends list and we also had a mutual person in common. Also tons of other kink friends in common so I read his profile fairly thoroughly and even his writings. I like to read just about everything about a person when I am interested in pursuing something. And believe me I was surprised at what I was finding out about him, not in a bad red flag sort of way..the good wow he could be someone I would actually like to get to know variety.

So before I even contacted him I milled over his profile more than once and then made the plunge to contact him. I contacted him and almost immediately got a response back. So we messaged each other back and forth, me asking questions and him giving the responses. To my surprise he answered every question with clarity, no hesitation and that almost through me. So we finally got to the point that he asked to meet, actually it was suppose to be dinner but instead I ended up going to a local munch to meet him and chat.

I went and saw him, when i spotted him, he immediately hugged me. Not sure if I was being tested just then, it was a little strange to be hugged automatically but it felt ok. So in a room full of people we proceeded to talk and get to know each other. He asked me what I was all about, I’m not in the habit of discussing myself a lot with others. But I made the effort to tell him well..I’m bisexual and monogamous. He immediately said “So how does that work?” We’ll I just laughed and I think that put me at ease, he was really kind to me so it was easy to talk to him.  Then before you know it he asked me to play, I was going to get tied up and usually my rule is I had to see someone play before I would ever allow a new person to play with me.

I for some reason chose to bypass my rule simply because I felt comfortable with him and I was open to whatever was in store for me. We played and it felt so good to be playing with someone who absolutely loved what they were doing and radiated that. Every touch, Him guiding the rope against my body. Handling me with intent, connecting and making me smile. Probably one of the first times I had in awhile. I kept watching Him and He amazed me, the energy was there between us and His ties were awesome. I took pictures that night and it created a defining moment for me. I couldn’t have picked a better person to do that with.

He sent me home and I thought about the next time we would do that again. I felt like we were on to something, at least I felt like there was something there. I don’t feel like that with other people. Friends I’ve played with it’s always been fun but I never feel like this. I felt like I could go deeper and I didn’t know it then but I got to experience that even more as the months progressed.

He was only looking for a play partner(rope partner) at the time but after hanging out with Him at His house with His close friends one weekend it turned in to something else. It felt organic and natural wasn’t forced at all. We started to go down this M/s path, a path I hadn’t really thought about in a very long time. I actually thought that I didn’t want to be a slave, that I had no desire to delve in to the depths of a relationship like that. Maybe It was fear, I was afraid to let anyone in to my head as much as all that. Let someone really get to know the real me. But I couldn’t help it, it’s what I wanted deep down and He was bringing out something in me.  It was there, His master energy and my slave and submissive energy. It worked between us, we went slow and at the pace He wished to go with me. I was hungry and I always wanted more.

He brings out that hunger in me, that desire and it’s amazing to find someone who can do that. So that was the beginning of everything for me. I could talk about us forever but Master has awakened everything I have desired for such a long time. My love, trust, loyalty and devotion in service to Him is my bliss.

Slavery is the path I have been called to finally, it has come full circle from where I started to where I am at now. I’ll talk more about that in another post. But 4 months down and I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought I could in such a short time. I have more to say but I’ll leave it at this, my heart is full of love and my world feels limitless. That is what He has brought me.